


Chief

by notnowcommander



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-09
Updated: 2015-04-09
Packaged: 2018-03-22 00:31:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3708603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notnowcommander/pseuds/notnowcommander
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Shenko love story, told from the perspective of Ashley Williams, who sometimes really regrets getting these two losers together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Chief

2183:

The Mess Hall was vacant as usual, which was to be expected for nearly midnight. Most of the crew, including Shepard had retired for the night, but Ashley and Kaidan were wide awake. It was sort of just like this. The two of them, staying up later than everyone else, unless the day was particularly tiresome. Kaidan stirred his coffee and leaned against the counter. Ashley liked seeing him like this, because as the only other human on the squad - aside from Shepard, of course - she wanted just that. A human. Someone who she could talk to about human culture, talk about people things, and not have to worry about being looked down on just for her race. But unfortunately, most of the time, Kaidan was a stick-up-his-ass-do-gooder, and she wasn’t entirely a fan of it. But she learned that once the uniform came off and he swapped into sweatpants and t-shirts, he was just a guy under it all.

“Tali’s sleeping through the night now,” he commented, sipping at the nearly overflowed cup and reading off a data pad in his other hand. 

“Good. I felt bad. First time I was actually living on a ship, I didn’t know what to do either. I didn’t realize there was a difference, really. Ships are ships.”

“Apparently not,” he smiled.

Kaidan read from the data pad, and fixed his eyes on the words in front of him. 

“What are you reading?” Ashley asked.

“Just more reports on Shepard’s Spectre induction. It’s… it’s a big deal,” he finished.

She smirked. “LT, you’ve been doing that for days.”

“They keep popping up.”

She sensed the defense in his voice and the refusal to acknowledge what she’d already figured out. She noticed it first when they’d been standing on the Wards, and Kaidan accidentally called Shepard beautiful. He thought he covered it up so smoothly, and Shepard politely told him to keep it professional. Ash knew he meant nothing really by it. Kaidan would probably rather fight off a swarm of geth with his bare hands before he risked being unprofessional. But she also wasn’t blind. She saw the way he watched her, on and off the battlefield. While the rest of them waited for orders, Kaidan waited for anything. Whatever Shepard said, he received like the word of God.

Kaidan, do this.

Kaidan, cover my ass.

Kaidan, give me a foot massage and wear this neon pink dress and dance for me, all at the same time.

It was always the ever polite “Yes, ma’am”, and a curt smile. 

And Ashley completely got it. Shepard was gorgeous, soft waves of red hair, freckles smattered across her nose and cheeks, bright green eyes that ripped through all of them. Her personality commanded you, and because of that, Ashley had to wonder if Shepard would ever change her title or even if promotions came, if she’d accept it. Commander suited her. However, for a while, whenever she saw the Lieutenant fawning over her behind her back, she had to laugh. She never saw anything between Shepard and Kaidan that didn’t end with his head being tossed out the airlock. But now, something had changed.

Ashley stepped over closer and looked over his shoulder. He was taller than her, and she needed to stand on her toes to see above him.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“Just looking. Shepard looks really nice in that picture,” she commented, prodding just a tiny bit.

“Yeah, beautiful,” he said, his tired eyes filling with a life she had only seen in people who were madly in love.

“Uh huh,” Ash said, stepping away and retaking her seat on the other side of the counter. Kaidan’s eyes popped open and he stumbled over his words.

“I didn’t mean it like that. You know. You know how Shepard is. She just… she demands it. Your eyes can’t go anywhere else when she’s in the room. It’s just how she is.”

Ashley tried her hardest not to choke on her laughter. “LT, we know your eyes can’t go anywhere else. We all know.”  
He sighed. “Williams, it’s not like that.”

“I think it is. You don’t need to be embarrassed about it. It’s just… feelings. You’re allowed to have them.”

“Not for your CO,” he snapped.

“You can’t help that. And she won’t be your CO forever. For all you know, this could be over once we find this Saren bastard and save the galaxy. It might all change, and you two will just be two soldiers together.”

He shifted with an uncertainty. “Yeah, well, I’m not thinking about that just yet. This is the kind of mission that’s not just another tour. We might not walk out of this with our lives, Ash.”

“We will,” she said, “I’m sure of it. But… you like the Commander?”

He sighed. “Ash, please stop.”

“You are totally blushing. I knew it.”

***

Shepard had taken Wrex and Liara on the mission today. It left Ash and Kaidan in the crew quarters alone again. Garrus hung out downstairs, and Tali had made her own home in engineering. Ashley could tell that Kaidan wasn’t feeling well, and that he needed his rest, but he kept glancing over and looking like he had something to say, so she opened the opportunity.

“What’s up?”

“I’m just… thinking about what you said.”

Ash propped herself up on her elbow and looked over at him. “About?”

“About Shepard. Well, about my feelings. And you’re right.”

She laughed, very unsubtly. “Kaidan, I know. You don’t need to tell me. But, now I can formally tease you about it.”

“Look, you’re a girl.”

“No shit, Sherlock.”

“That was rude,” he replied. “I… I know I’m not a whole lot, shy and introverted, simple, but I want this. And I have no clue whatsoever how to make it happen. And maybe you’re right. We’ll all make it out of this and we can make something work. It’s just. Ugh. What if she doesn’t like me?”

“LT, are we in fourth grade?”

He sighed. “Never mind, it’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid,” she corrected.

“I just feel dumb. Out of all the girls, and guys I’ve been with in the past, none of them made me feel like this. I mean, there’s not a whole lot of history there, but I still feel like it’s saying something if at thirty-two, something feels new and terrifying.”

She nodded. “I know what you mean. I can help.”

He sat up in bed, moving so quickly that Ashley noticed him wince in pain. Headache, she realized. “Don’t ask her. That’s way too forward, and she’ll totally figure it out. I… I don’t want it to be that way.”

“Do you not trust me?” she teased.

“No, I do. I just… I don’t want this to seem stranger than it already is.”

Ash gave him a warm smile and nodded. “Don’t worry, LT. I’ll get the scoop for you.”

***

Ashley had learned a couple of things. Her methods might have been uncouth and scandalous, but she needed to now. And if anyone questioned it, she was asking for a friend. A good friend. Kaidan had offered to talk to her more times than she could count after losing her unit, but she respectfully declined. And even when she did say no, he’d sit there reading or fixing up weapons, but didn’t leave the room if he sensed there was something wrong with her. He stayed. And just the sound of another human breathing brought her solace. 

What she’d done, was get Shepard slightly drunk, and bitched about their past loves. Shepard didn’t have much to talk about, just a handful of one night stands and drunken hookups with several genders, with a legit relationship merely here and there. But it was what Ashley needed.

One) Shepard liked aftershave. Subtle aftershave, and a mostly clean shave.

Two) She absolutely hated flowers. The sentiment was nice, but they died, and dead flowers smelled like shit. 

Three) Shepard had nothing against dating other soldiers. She didn’t name names, but she seemed like the idea of dating another Alliance solider was okay.

Four) Shepard thought rather favorably of Kaidan. To some degree, she’d also called him cute. She said that “he’s a sweet heart, and she wished he’d open up more”. Which Ashley translated to “cute”. It made Kaidan smile. That was what mattered. Even she had to admit that seeing him happy was really damn cute.

When she told him, he nervously knotted his fingers together and paced around the crew quarters, his shoulders tensing and easing as she recounted the details of what had happened that night. He calculated each pro and con of telling her his feelings, and talked himself out of at least six different plans, before settling in for the night in a fitful sleep. It was after a couple of hours that Ashley got up and fixed the blankets he’d nearly tossed off himself and when he woke up, she asked if there was anything he needed. He’d kindly shook his head, and went back to sleep, more at peace than before.

***

By some miracle, Ashley had gathered both Shepard and Kaidan on a night off, and corralled them into the crew quarters for drinks. Ashley had enlisted Chakwas to get alcohol with her, and they’d come back to the ship with several handles of whiskey and beers. The night started off simple, with Ash and Kaidan drinking and chatting. She’d hinted that she was going to get Shepard in on it, but didn’t have a confirmation. However, it put the Lieutenant on edge. So she got him drinking quickly.

Shepard joined them an hour or so later, grabbing a beer and sitting next to Kaidan. Ashley sat on the other side of the table, mostly because she wanted to watch. She wanted to see them interact on a personal level because so far, she’d seen very little of that. Kaidan stayed somewhat quiet, chiming in when the situation was relevant to him. He looked at Shepard out of the corner of his eye mostly, and avoided eye contact.

Ashley was about to say something, when Shepard spoke up. “Kaidan, you’ve been quiet tonight.”

Kaidan looked up and first looked to Ashley. Ashley narrowed her eyes and glared, directing his gaze back to Shepard. “Oh. Um, yeah I guess.”

“Okay, I was wondering,” Shepard began, leaning closer to him.

“Go for it,” he said, breaking a soft smile. 

“What happens when biotics get drunk?”

He smiled wider and blushed slightly. “Um, well. Really, not a whole lot else. Just… maybe a little bluer and glowy.”

Shepard cracked an infectious smile. “Now that I’d want to see.”

Ash smirked. “We can arrange that.”

Kaidan diverted his eyes, but noticed Shepard scooting closer, just slightly. Somehow, they started talking, practically ignoring Ashley, but she didn’t have a complaint in the world. Kaidan talked about his parents back home, and Shepard drank in his words. She kept sending him gentle smiles and he would nervously look away whenever she stared too long. But Ashley could tell by the faint smile across his lips that this was just what he’d wanted, a night where he could confirm that his feelings were valid, and something more than just infatuation.

Ash got up from the table and moved over to the mess hall, where she absent-mindedly fumbled through cabinets. And based off what she could tell, neither Kaidan or Shepard had anything to say about it. She continued to hear the two of them laughing and talking, their voices rising and falling in happiness.

“Ma’am, I think that most things are pretty dependent on not being dead,” he replied. Ashley didn’t hear the first part of the dialogue, but it made Shepard break into a full, freeing laugh. 

Ashley turned back around and glanced at the two of them. Shepard’s eyes were squeezed shut, her nose crinkled, accentuating the freckles on her cheeks, and Kaidan just smiled contently. He couldn’t take his eyes off her, and looked at her like he’d never seen something more beautiful in his life. Shepard stopped laughing and straightened herself up. She narrowed her eyes at Kaidan.

“Lieutenant, are you staring?”

Kaidan tensed up and shook his head. “Absolutely not, ma’am. Wouldn’t want to be impolite.”

Shepard smiled, bringing a hand out to trace along his jawline. “It’s okay if you were.”

He shivered, but smiled anyway. “Do you do this with all your crew members, Commander?”

Shepard shook her head. Ashley dipped out of the room and went to rest on her bed, which, if the door was left open, offered a just good enough view of the two of them until she fell asleep. She curled up under her covers, pretending to read something on a data pad, but really was intently focused on the interactions between Shepard and Kaidan. With her, actually smiling and laughing like she’d never heard before, he looked at least five years younger. Instead of a goody two shoes officer, he looked like a boy, a boy so in love with a woman he didn’t know what to do with himself.

“Shepard, this…” he started. “This was nice. I like getting to know you. Just… talking.”

Shepard subtly nodded. “Yeah, and I like talking to you too. You’re a sweetheart, Kaidan.”

“Well, now you’re going to make me blush, Commander.”

Ashley slept well and satisfied that night.

***

Virmire was a beautiful planet. Ashley loved the way it was covered with shallow water that Shepard tore through in the Mako. She made splashing noises as Kaidan rolled his eyes, but laughed under his breath as she imitated the Mako, and made sure to add sound effects when Shepard plowed into geth that got in her way.

Arriving at the Salarian camp, Ashley knew something was horribly wrong. That there was a chance this mission would go poorly. As Kirrahe told them that one of them would have to lead another team to infiltrate the base, a bad feeling settled with Ashley. Shepard looked to her and ordered her to take command with the Salarians. She had no doubts that she would be able to lead them without something going wrong, but serving under anyone but Shepard felt completely, and utterly wrong.

“Don’t do anything foolish while I’m gone, Alenko,” she said, pressing a hand to his shoulder.

He nodded. “We’ll be fine, Williams. See you on the other side.”

Ash exchanged a glance with Kaidan, one that said “see you soon”, not “goodbye”, and went with the Salarians.

***

“Alenko,” Shepard’s voice rang over the comm. “Radio Joker and tell him to meet us at the bomb site.”

Ashley thought that she would have felt something different, something angry and defeated. Shepard had just signed her death warrant and there was no chance of survival. In minutes, either she’d be shot to death by waves of geth, or the entire facility would be vaporized and take her with it. Yet, she didn’t feel the way she thought she would.

“I’m sorry, Ash. I had to make a choice,” Shepard said, her voice tight with pain.

“I understand, Commander. I don’t regret a thing.”

It was the right choice, she thought to herself. 

For years, Ashley had known who she was. She was a strong woman who knew what she had to do, and if it meant dying, her duty was what was most important. The Williams name would never be one tainted with infamy ever again. She knew that much, and it was what she needed to rest easy. But at the same time, she knew Kaidan needed to keep living, keep going wherever it was he was meant to go. Him dying - whether anyone knew it or not - would have been a disservice to the entire galaxy. Ashley knew it, and she thought that was what mattered.

Ashley opened up a comm channel and linked herself to Alenko’s helmet. She heard gunfire and water rushing on the other end before she heard his voice.

“Ash,” he choked out. “What the hell?”

“I’m sorry, LT. It’s the right choice.”

He paused. “I don’t know about that.”

“I’ve been right about everything so far, haven’t I? Why stop trusting me now?”

She heard him sniffle back tears, and she could feel the pain in her heart as he spoke. “I trust you. Thank you. For everything.”

“It was my pleasure, Kaidan. Just promise me something. Take care of yourself. Take care of Shepard. For me.”

He paused again. “Ashley? The Williams family name won’t be known for anything other than being heroes. I promise you I will make sure of that.”

She felt her eyes flush with warm tears, and nodded. “Thanks. Kick some ass, LT. For me.”

***

That night, Kaidan sat against Ashley’s bed frame for hours. She had no idea how this worked, how she was seeing this, but she absolutely wished she wasn’t. He sat there with a couple of empty beer bottles and his head between his knees, and nobody bothered him. She watched as tears slid down his face all night, and how the only time he bothered to clean himself up and look decent was when he thought Shepard might have been stopping by.   
His face was riddled with bruises and she could tell they’d applied some heavy duty bandages to his side, but even without the injuries, he looked terrible. She’d never seen him like this before, and hated that one of the strongest people she’d ever met fell to pieces over her. And suddenly, she regretted that she’d never told him how brave she thought he really was. And she missed the nights where the two of them would sit awake in the crew quarters, talking about anything and everything while Shepard had people out on missions, or where the others were off hanging out together.   
“God, LT. Pull yourself together. What would the Commander think?” she snapped.  
But truth was, she didn’t want to see how the Commander was doing either. 

***

The next day, chaos hit the Normandy, even more than before. Losing a crew member was bad, but having the ship grounded when they needed to use it the most was unfathomable. Ash made sure that while the crew was on the Citadel, she snuck her way into Udina’s office and rearranged as many papers as she could, and unscrewed as much of his chair as possible. She wouldn’t see the fruits of the labor, but it was worth it to know the son of a bitch would pay for what he’d done.

Shepard sat against the lockers, in front of Ashley’s specifically. She looked defeated, and Ash never thought she’d see Shepard looking as terrible as she did then. Kaidan entered the room, and glanced down at Shepard. 

“Commander, are you all right? I’m sure there’s a way to appeal.”

Ashley sat at their table, the one they’d had dozens of meals at and gotten smashed at countless times and put her face in her hands.  
“Official channels are closed. They were quite clear about that.”

“Closed? And we’re supposed to accept that? So, where do you think the best view will be when the Reapers roll through? If we have to sit it out, may as well have a good seat.”

Ashley whimpered, but she was almost positive nobody heard her. “God dammit, Kaidan. If you’re going to be as dense as a friggen rock, we might as well name a planet after you. Planet Alenko. Jesus.”

“We’re out of the game for now,” Shepard said. “I need you to be there while I figure things out.”

Kaidan blabbered about how anyone on the ship would salute her, but Ashley looked at Shepard. Shepard eyed Kaidan similarly. She rolled her eyes and gave a faint smile.

“Come on, Kaidan. I can get a salute from anyone on this ship. Sometimes I need a shoulder.”

What happened next, Ashley registered as “Blah blah blah, regs, muddying regs. I’m going to let my sexual tension with you kill me because life is SO complicated, wah wah wah.”

Shepard shot back a response, calling him on his bullshit, to which he responded with some comforting words. Kaidan sighed.

“Well, I guess we have some downtime to figure out what we are, huh?” he reached down, extending his arm for Shepard, and pulling her up to her feet with enough force to jolt her into his arms. She watched the way Shepard naturally wrapped her arms around his shoulders and eased into his body closer.

“Shit, Alenko. You did learn something from me,” Ash gasped. If she were alive, and if this were a movie, popcorn would have been greatly appreciated.

Slowly, Shepard leaned in, and pursed her lips. Kaidan began to meet her half way. Their lips drew closer and closer, and once they were within mere inches, Joker’s voice crackled over the intercom. He told them that Captain Anderson needed to see them in Flux on the Citadel, and Shepard quickly scurried off to tend to the matter. Kaidan hesitated a moment and sighed, retreating to the crew quarters.

Ashley looked up at the intercom system, which was basically the entire ceiling. Regardless. She had choice words for Joker.

“Joker. What the actual fuck.”

***

Well. Um. There were many things that Ashley would have rather not seen or heard. That list roughly consisted of:

1) Lieutenant Alenko’s bare ass. Among other things.  
2) Commander Shepard’s boobs. Among other things.  
3) She didn’t want to think about the rest.

However, that night before Ilos, she was glad to see one thing. Something seemed so right, so complete about seeing Shepard curled up in Kaidan’s arms, sleeping so soundly. Even in his sleep, he seemed to be caring for her, protecting her and making sure that she was always okay. He’d turned over a couple of times, waking himself up, and each time, tucked Shepard in again and adjusted her pillows so she was comfortable. He kissed the side of her head and curled up next to her before falling asleep again. 

***

2184:

It had been three months since Shepard’s death. And Ashley hadn’t seen her or encountered her in anyway. She had to wonder what it meant, but she’d kept more than a careful eye on Kaidan. For the first little while, it was too hard to watch, and she stayed away, only taking brief glimpses to make sure he was performing basic living functions like eating and sleeping. However, that was just about the only thing he was doing.

More times than not, she found him at a bar, several drinks into the night. But tonight, it had been weeks, long enough for her to notice several things. He had dropped several pounds. His lean figure was now gaunt and pale. His hair looked shades darker, when it was already pitch black in the first place, and small traces of grey formed at the sides of his temples. She remembered the night that he and Shepard had spent laughing and smiling until the break of dawn, slightly tipsy and drunk off each other. But Ash had never seen someone alive look quite so dead.

“Dammit, LT,” she seethed.

The bar tonight was something dingy on the Citadel, and he was the only person here. No one recognized him or even spoke to him. She knew from her experience on the Normandy, they couldn’t go to bars without him getting hit on by girls and guys who made him very nervous. Now she knew that it was mostly because he didn’t want to give Shepard the wrong idea.

He ordered another drink, and Ashley stepped closer, crossing her arms.

“Are you kidding me? Are you serious? I died so that you could be alive. I thought you deserved it. I thought that you were going to do something with yourself. I thought you were going to make a god damn difference, Kaidan. And you’re wasting yourself away. You’re not even yourself anymore. What. The. Hell. What would the Commander think?”

She looked at him one more time, anger pulsing through her. “She’d be disgusted.”

***

2185: 

She knew it was going to be a bad night. The encounter on Horizon hadn’t been the way that she wanted. She wanted them to kiss and make up, and she partially wanted them to stay together. Kaidan would never work for Cerberus, and she didn’t doubt that. But… seeing them split the way they did broke something in Ashley.

Kaidan entered his room on the Citadel and slammed the door behind him. She knew that he wasn’t angry with Shepard, as much as himself. She knew the expression, the way that self-hatred and anxiety racked his body and made him a shell of a person sometimes. He pulled his jacket off and rested it on the desk chair before moving himself to the edge of the bed. He collected his head in his hands and broke down into tears.

She hadn’t seen that from him since Shepard’s funeral, which she tried to forget. She knew he probably tried to forget it as well. His hands were shaking and he wiped his eyes with the back of his thumbs. She saw the flare of his biotics at his fingertips, but knew he’d hold back. He wouldn’t hurt himself or break anything. Doing so made him less of the person that he fought so hard to be.

“It’s not your fault,” she whispered. She wished he could hear it. She wished there was something she could to to make it better. Like all the nights back on the Normandy where she’d tried to relax him as much as possible and get him to stop overthinking every shred and detail of a situation.

“God, Ash,” he choked out. “This was so much easier when you were here. I knew what to say, I knew how to react. I didn’t ruin everything every time I opened my damn mouth.”

She inched closer, resting a hand on his shoulder. “You didn’t ruin anything. You were scared. I understand. Shepard will understand. In time. She loves you.”

Her voice trailed off and she looked down. “I wish you could hear me. I wish you could know that I’m proud of you for your promotion. You deserve it. I’m still going to call you LT, though. Just so we’re clear. And I wish I could tell you that everything will be okay. You’ll just have to trust me on that one.”

And she left him be.

***

2186:

The shuttle hurled itself at Kaidan and the Commander. Both of them dove out of the way in perfect timing. The blast separated both of them, Kaidan and Liara on one side, and Shepard on the other. The Alliance shuttle landed and another soldier stepped out, informing Shepard that the Normandy was en route. 

After watching Earth get obliterated by Reapers, and Shepard and Kaidan bicker, trust falling to pieces all around them, Ashley was irritated enough. Yet, not with either of them individually. Did she agree with Shepard working for Cerberus? No. But she understood why she did it, and for Shepard to practically backflip out the window with her middle fingers raised, she thought maybe Shepard was onto something. Use a terrorist organization to get a bunch of cool shit and run. Sounded like a rather profitable plan, actually.

And she’d watched Kaidan destroy himself for months, trying to figure out where he was supposed to go without Shepard to lead him. And she also watched him pick himself up, get his ass in gear, and get himself a sweet ass promotion - now two - and she knew that being with Shepard again both healed something and unsettled him. And when Kaidan didn’t know where to put his feelings, he did stupid things with them. Like accused his girlfriend of being a traitor. Classy.

Ash’s eyes drifted over to Kaidan, where he’d pulled Liara over his shoulder to help her reach the shuttle. But Ash could tell something was wrong. Something detrimental was about to happen, but she didn’t know what. A noise echoed from the Cerberus shuttle, something loud and banging, and it caught Kaidan’s attention.

“No,” she said. “Shepard!” 

No one heard her shout. There was nothing that Ashley could do to stop what was about to happen, no way to let Shepard know she needed to move, otherwise Kaidan would die. Ash watched helplessly as the bitchy robot lady clutched her fingers into her best friend’s helmet and dangled him in the air as if he weren’t a massive marine. Kaidan let out a single whimper of fear, before Shepard rounded the corner, gun drawn on the android.

“Kaidan!” she screamed, voice racked with fear. “Let him go!” 

“Orders?” the robot said.

Ashley didn’t hear what the person on the other line - probably the Illusive Douche - had said, but it didn’t matter. Whatever happened on the other end of the line, caused it to spin Kaidan effortlessly, and force his head and entire body against the edge of the shuttle, repeatedly. She heard the crack of his helmet, or at least she thought it was his helmet, and a cry of pain, cut off too soon for anything to be good news. The robot tossed Kaidan’s limp body to the ground, and Shepard turned her simple pistol into a machine gun, unloading bullets so fast that Ash worried she’d break the gun. 

Ashley rushed herself toward Kaidan, and couldn’t find any signs of consciousness. “Dammit, LT.”

As Shepard paused a moment in horror, Ash shifted Kaidan’s head, pressing a hand to the massive crack running along the back of his helmet. She knew if the air swept in, he’d have trouble breathing, and if he was still alive in there, she wasn’t going to let the son of a bitch suffocate like that. She felt blood drip onto her fingers and looked away. 

Shepard ran for Kaidan as well, ordering James to pick up the robot bitch lady and bring it with them. Shepard hovered over Kaidan for a moment, sucking in a terrified breath, and carefully pulling him into her arms. She groaned and shifted his weight over her shoulders, carrying him onto the ship.

***

“Barely got a pulse here,” a paramedic chimed.

Ashley watched as Shepard, Liara, and James looked on helplessly as the medics carried Kaidan into a wing of the hospital. Shepard’s eyes were blank, and even had a slightly glassy coating over them. Ash had never seen Shepard cry, and she didn’t think this would be the day, but it was probably the closest she’d been pushed in a while.

“We’re not going with?” James asked.

Shepard shook her head. Ash looked back at the paramedics, still en route to Huerta Memorial and nodded.

“Don’t worry, Skipper. I’ll take care of him.”

Ashley followed the medics into the hospital, into the operating room. She wasn’t sure what she was expecting to see, but whatever it was, someone had to be there. The doctors carefully unhooked Kaidan’s armor, piece by piece. His face looked like shit, heavy bruising below his eyes and his nose bleeding. His dark hair covered the parts of his head that took the blow the worst, and she didn’t want to think about what it had done to his already defective implant. The hit had also caused heavy bruising around his neck that led her to believe maybe it was worse than she thought. Maybe the robot lady had snapped his neck or shattered parts of his spinal cord. But another part of her knew that couldn’t have been the case. The LT was too strong to let an angry android take him out.

The doctors swooped in and began to examine the wounds as best as they could. One stuck an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, and another injected an IV through a vein in his hand. Another doctor placed small pads on his chest, keeping track of his heart rate, which was so slow Ash felt a knot grow in her stomach between each one. She was beginning to worry more and more that another wouldn’t follow. She didn’t really worry about what the doctors were saying, but she heard things like “skull fractures”, “cerebral swelling”, and something about how his implant being shoved into his head could cause a brain hemorrhage.

Ash stayed focused on the beeping, and watching the EKG machine bounce up and down, but it was still so slow. And then, another beep didn’t come, and she watched the jagged lines of the heart meter flatten out, and an aggressive beep fill the room. She glanced down at Kaidan, visibly not breathing, and skin gone alarmingly pale.

“No,” she said, “Not happening.”

She crouched down next to the side of Kaidan’s head and braced herself against the table. “You’re not dying like this, LT. No friggen way. You’re better than this. It’s too soon and Shepard needs you. You’re not allowed to die on her. You can’t.”

She didn’t care what the doctors were doing, or how they were planning on saving him. She kept her eyes on him and slid her fingers to the side of his neck, where she was supposed to feel a pulse. But she didn’t.

“I miss you so much,” she choked out, “and I didn’t tell you how much I cared for you when I could, but do not do this. One of us has to be here for Shepard, and she loves you. No matter how terribly shitty things are now, and how complicated it might be, she loves you so much. She’s going to need someone to lean on during this war, and I know she wants it to be you. It was always you.”

She waited another several seconds, but no pulse came. She swallowed her tears and backed away from the table. In a final act of desperation, she hit Kaidan’s shoulder, hard. She remembered one of the first times she teased him about Shepard, and how she’d punched him in the shoulder so hard that it left a bruise, and he’d whined about it for days. Except this time, no whining. But there as a relieving blip from the EKG machine, and Ashley heard Kaidan take in a single breath.

She turned back around, and watched as the doctors swarmed around Kaidan, his heart rate leveling out to something stable and unconcerning.

“That’s what I thought, LT.”

***

Ashley had never been to London, but she knew one thing. It wasn’t supposed to look like this. And when she stumbled upon Shepard’s broken body, she knew that the Commander wasn’t supposed to look like that either. Her skin was so badly burned, raw flesh torn away from the blast, hair burnt and clumped. Her armor was blown off, some of it even melded to her skin and her body. She noticed several bullet wounds, blood clotted over the wound. And the Commander was supposed to be breathing.

“I’m getting tired of doing this shit for you two,” Ash said, bending down next to Shepard. 

She pushed the heavy, charred metal off of Shepard’s body and pulled her head into her lap. Even if this was the end, she knew that Shepard and Kaidan had their chance to rekindle whatever they’d had before. Most of the war was happy for them personally. Lots of nights spent together, curled up together and looking out the massive windows in Shepard’s cabin and counting the stars in front of them as they flew through the sky, many stolen moments and kisses after missions and reassuring smiles when the worst happened. This time, they’d gotten a goodbye.

“Shepard… nobody could blame you for wanting to rest, and no one would fault you for just wanting this to be over. But there are so many other things you haven’t done yet. You saved the whole damn galaxy, and you deserve to see that. You deserve to be happy, and alive. Not… not this. I know heroes don’t always get the happy ending, but you deserve one. And so does Kaidan. After the hell you’ve both been through, you deserve each other. Because at the end of the day, that’s what makes you happiest. I know it. I can see it.”

Shepard didn’t respond or breathe.

“God dammit. Come on. He was there for you this entire war, helping you up every time you fell down, and working you through the nightmares. But now you need to do that for him. You can’t leave him again. You can’t do that. Who said this was allowed? I told Kaidan the same thing after Mars. I miss you so much, but I don’t want you here this soon. I don’t want that.”

Ashley slid Shepard’s head out of her lap and rested her against the debris again. She looked around and found a small signal flare resting nearby. Ashley reached for the nearest dilapidated gun she could find, and fired a shot at the edge of the flare. The small candle burst into the air and popped up in the sky. Rescue crews were just now making their way through this area of London, and someone would see that. Someone would find Shepard and get her home.

“They’re going to come for you, Shepard. And when you do, you’d better as hell be breathing, Skipper.”

Ashley stepped away from Shepard’s body and turned her back. She heard rescue soldiers picking through the debris and shouting that someone was alive over here. She didn’t look back, but could hear well enough what was happening.

“Shit! It’s the Commander!” one of them shouted.

And Shepard gasped for air.


End file.
